DEAR SELF

Dear Self,

I know it seems strange to be writing this letter to you/
since you don’t really hear from me all too often/
We just don’t seem to be too close these days/
Some days you get too busy taking care of everyone else that you forget about me/
you’re gonna be lost without me one of these days/
I mean you were already lost without me and then you found me/ and now you got too busy chasing dreams/
that you forgot you once prayed
for everything you have now/
I guess the affirmations keep getting lost in translation/
we just don’t seem to be speaking the same language anymore/
so I’m writing this letter in hopes that you find your way back to the meeting place/
where poetry connects mind, body and spirit/
and TRUTH is the only thing that matters/
let me speak truth to you and count all the ways you amaze me….

ONE – You. Are. DROP. DEAD. Fucking. GORGEOUS.
YEA. I said it! They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder/
it took me a month before I could make eye contact with myself in the mirror to tell myself that I am beautiful.
So no, this is not me being cocky,
this is me finally feeling confident in my own skin without being two sheets to the wind
(that means drunk by the way)
Or being dressed half naked to catch the eyes of these men
who only want to see whats in these jeans anyways.
So, no I don’t need the validation because my insides finally match with what I see in the mirror which brings me to point number…

TWO –  I used to be afraid of the dark because I thought that monsters were real.
They hid in closets and underneath beds/
they lived in the same ones who sang me lullabies/
I never thought the monsters I was the most afraid of/
would also live within me.
So here comes the part where I tell you my biggest enemy is me which/
isn’t really true either when you learn that there is a purpose to suffering
See……
I’ve always wondered if Judas was really the enemy or…?
did he actually help fulfill the prophecy/
I stopped letting the world convince me that it isn’t safe to love when I
stopped avoiding heart/
breaks the ego/
Ill go where ever you go/
cause I’m not afraid of the dark no more/
it is merely the absence of light/ and you, my love, are light

THREE – If i asked you to name all of the things you loved how long would it take for you to name yourself? This is not a trick question

FOUR – Fun fact: did you know that in order for a caterpillar to transform into a butterfly, it literally digests itself
When enclosed in the cocoon it produces enzymes that break the body down into a soup-like mixture and then rebuilds itself
Leaving no trace of the caterpillar, the butterfly emerges
Free. To. Fly.

FIVE – I tried to kill myself once but I got so drunk, i took the wrong pills
I was pissed that it didn’t work
Now I’m glad that it did because I had to kill the caterpillar before I could
become the butterfly

SIX – they say to get to the root cause you have to ask “why” 5 times. However, I’m not sure if this really applies when my four year old asks me 5 times before 9 why he had to go to daycare this morning/
and he got the answer the first time
As annoyed as I am by this I try not to kill his curiosity so he doesn’t become content in only knowing what he knows/
I’ve seen so much potential die because nobody had the courage to ask why/ they just become products of their environment/
I apologize to anyone who knew me in my drunk days I only knew what I had been taught/
I know better now cause I started asking why

SEVEN – Thank you to every ex that has came back just to tell me how amazing I am & the guy I end up with will be lucky…..
no really. THANK YOU!
It’s because of you I learned my value is not determined by whether you can love me or not/
That man cannot love me the way I need him too and I never even asked myself if I wanted him to/
I just accepted what I thought I deserved because that’s what girls with daddy issues do
I know that it’s hard for you to love too/
I guess that’s what happens when parents don’t realize how their lack of love for themselves is reflected in their children/
we were never given the tools
So I no longer take it personal that the king in you couldn’t recognize the queen in me and vice versa/
This ain’t about you anyways, this is for the little boy that I am raising into a man/
I’m breaking this cycle starting with him

EIGHT – Another fun fact. Did you know that alcohol literally numbs physical pain.
For real.
I once walked around with two broken ribs and had no idea..
It’s funny how your body holds memories that your mind tries to forget/
I guess two years sober wasn’t long enough for you to forget/
This is not a bad ass war story about how I can take a hit
this is an apology to my body/
Im so sorry I’ve neglected you/
I’ve been so focused on my mental I forget that you are a temple/
it’s time for us to heal now.

NINE – So I don’t know about ya but I think I’m fucking hilarious!
Don’t get into a roasting match with me because I will roast the shit out of “yo momma” cause that’s all I got for real/
I set my own self up to say “that’s what she said”/
and I do it at the most inappropriate times like in front of a class full of 5th graders who hopefully don’t catch it/
But I get a good laugh. Every. Single. Time.

TEN – I’m sorry it took me so long to write this
Sometimes it’s hard to see what’s right in front of you/
even harder to recognize the greatness within but I  hope this came right on time/
someone asked me the other day to name all of the things that I love
I couldn’t think of just one so I hope a whole poem will do.

Signed,
Courtney