You are my SONShine

You are my SONshine

My only…. SON 
I found true joy when I found out I was expecting you 
It was the moment I knew my life would change forever
And it scared the hell out of me
I wasn’t ready to be a mother but God doesn’t call upon the prepared 
He prepares the ones he calls 
And as you started forming inside of my belly 
something else started to happen 
You see in order for a seed to achieve its greatest expression 
it must become undone 
The shells crack and the insides come out and everything changes 
And for those who don’t know what growth looks like 
You’ll mistake it for destruction 
September 15, 2013 I gave birth to you 
My heart no longer in my chest instead it rests 
In my arms as I cradled you 
Promising to give you a life I never had
Hoping that a home with a mom and a dad 
would be our happily ever after 
But everything I ever knew started to become undone 
Thus starting the destruction 
 

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY WHEN SKIES ARE GRAY

I remember when my mother used to sing this song to me 
She made me really believe that I could make her happy 
If only I was good enough 
Made sure the house was clean tried not to ask for anything 
Maybe mommy won’t be so mean 
Maybe today she won’t cry so much 
Maybe today she won’t get so drunk 
Maybe today she’ll want to stay alive 
Maybe today she won’t try to take her life
Momma why couldn’t my kisses take your pain away 
Like your kisses took mine 
Why am i not enough to make you want to stay alive
When did i stop being the little girl who needs you 
I’m drowning in your gray skies momma why can’t you see that?!!
 

YOU’LL NEVER KNOW DEAR

Daddy, I love you.
Although I was too afraid to call you that 
daddy is a term all too endearing 
it isn’t supposed to invoke fear in me 
Every time I went to pick a switch 
I was conducting my own experiments 
Trying to test which one wouldn’t hurt so much 
Thin or thick?
Painting me red and then blue 
And blaming it on my skin being so white 
Every time those three colors flashed in your sight 
I prayed hoping they wouldn’t find out you were the plug and catch your third strike 
Putting you on a pedestal 
Deeming myself Daddy’s little girl 
Even though what he wanted was a son 
So I denied everything that made me a woman 
Misogyny was your gift to me and it came as the fist that made me unrecognizable 
Your hands around my throat that silenced 
The jokes about my bra size that made me hide my body 
The magazines filled with titts and clits
My hands pressed against my ears 
Trying not to hear the slapping skin from all these women 
Daddy
The “I love you’s” that fell flat 
Every time i laid on my back 
Cloaking myself with the scent of many men 
Trying to find validation from that 
I never knew what it was to be precious 
I never knew what it was to be delicate 
Daddy I never knew!!
 

HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU

I learned the law of attraction when I thought I met the love of my life 
While stripping off my clothes and taking the lashes of insecure men 
Searching for the darkness in someone else 
to match the darkness i had in me 
I wound up with the monster that haunted me as a little girl 
Is now sleeping next to me
My scars and bruises were marks of tolerance
He didn’t love me despite my flaws 
He loved me because of them 
Preying on my weakness 
While I’m praying on my deliverance 
Chugging these bottles like I’m trying to find the solution at the bottom 
Trading who i am to fit my addiction 
Uncomfortable and crawling out of my own skin 
I was always one more drink away from feeling confident 
Foolish enough to believe that my love for my child 
Will supersede my selfish desire to drink 
I felt my powerlessness for the first time when I couldn’t stop 
even with your life trying to grow inside of me 
A prisoner trapped in my own head 
An insane asylum trapped in my own bed 
The room is spinning, feeling dizzy, pieces missing, feeling nauseous 
All this confidence is down the drain now!
Robbing me of three years of my life thats down the drain now 
When i found out you had three kids i never knew of 
A thing for little girls and it was three little girls you walked away from 
I’m…. i’m…. I’m…. so confused 
And I even named my baby after you?! 
Thinking it was a legacy I could be proud of 
But now its the thing I’m most afraid of 
I thought that we were a family 
I thought that this was love 
I didn’t know it could hurt this much 
 

SO PLEASE DONT TAKE MY SONSHINE AWAY

October 16th, 2015 just one month after your second birthday 
Mommy had her last drink 
You see they buried me planting me in the dirt 
Watered with my own tears 
Gave me a son 
And then watched me self-destruct 
And from the cracks of the cement i ROSE 
My scars became my thorns bound to protect me
My bruises became red petals meant to remind me
That acceptance of my powerlessness actually empowers me 
I take my life back when I accept responsibility 
My past became my strength rooted in the truth of who I am 
Which is not proof of who I am destined to be 
I am a survivor of all things meant to break me 
I am a force to be reckoned with 
So don’t call this a comeback 
This is my redemption 
The only part of me that remains innocent 
I needed to get free in order to keep your slate clean 
Breaking these generational chains that has kept me bound
Facing my demons so they don’t chase you around 
Searching the depths of my soul for the little girl that I used to be and crying for her
No longer afraid of what she might tell me 
Of how I made her suffer even more 
And every time I do the right thing for you 
I’m healing her too 
Bearing in mind what its like depending upon parents 
who are dependent on substances 
And no matter how much I want it to be right 
Having two parents in the home will never make up for the lies, abuse and mistreatment
I had to do something DIFFERENT!
So i live my amends to you everyday I wake up sober 
Working these twelve steps as you’re still learning how to walk 
Finding my own voice as you’re still learning how to talk 
You see I gave you life 
And you restored mine 
And the only way to let my son shine
Was for me to find my own light so he can shine bright 
And he won’t ever have to worry about his mommy taking away his sunshine 
And I’ll remind myself of that every night I sing this song to you 
 

YOU ARE MY SONSHINE

MY ONLY SONSHINE 
YOU MAKE ME HAPPY 
WHEN SKIES ARE GRAY 
YOU’LL NEVER KNOW DEAR 
HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU 
SO PLEASE DON’T TAKE MY SUNSHINE AWAY  
MY ONLY SONSHINE 
YOU MAKE ME HAPPY 
WHEN SKIES ARE GRAY 
YOU’LL NEVER KNOW DEAR 
HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU 
SO PLEASE DON’T TAKE MY SUNSHINE AWAY